Oregon Coast Weighs Ice Cream, Taffy Capacity

OREGON COAST – With the impending hoards that are set to descend upon small towns up and down the Oregon Coast this Spring Break, mayors, council members, and tourism boards alike wonder if they have made the right decision. The decision in question? “Does our tourist trap have enough ice cream and taffy shops to make visitors ‘stick’ around?”

A quick glance at one coastal town in particular, Seaside, OR, reveals 39 established ice cream and saltwater taffy brick-and-mortars. The count exceeded 80 when both ice cream and taffy were offered, with waffle cone smells mingling with the unmistakable aroma of the colorful chews.

“We’re not panicking,” Lincoln City council member, Greg Mason, clarified. “We just don’t want visitors to leave thinking they didn’t have enough ice cream and taffy, or heaven forbid, panic that there is a shortage and head to another town to spend money elsewhere.”

Visitors have reportedly been observed pacing the sidewalks, in hoodies that advertise the location they are currently roving, while scanning storefronts with increasing concern. One family was overheard asking where they can find ice cream, despite actively standing inside an ice cream shop.

Among five such shops, Jen Schmitt of Gresham held two cones and six small bags of taffy. “I just want to make sure I’ve tried all the options.” When asked about the two cones, Schmitt admitted, “One of these is for the ride home,” unbothered by the drips down her arm.

With the busy summer season approaching, town leaders in Cannon Beach are exploring more “unconventional” options that include combining ice cream and taffy in the same treat.

“Mixing the two could free up an extra hand for even more taffy and ice cream,” said business hopeful, Adrienne Jackson, who is considering opening a shop featuring the new concoction. Further research has uncovered that plans have already begun, with social media profiles created and an LLC filed for “Probably Too Much Sugar”.

An obstacle to navigate is the lack of vacant storefronts on the main strip. “We will likely just push out a fudge shop or one of those overcrowded t-shirt stores, because the town council has made this a top priority for tourism,” Jackson elaborated.

Many tourists mentioned that they don't actually eat the taffy but feel obligated to buy it as proof they went to the coast. “I get it for my grandma. She's got no teeth, but loves the stuff” said Stewart Grand of Aloha. 

“People arrive with a very specific vision,” said one business owner in Newport, “They want to walk three steps, see ice cream, turn their head, see taffy, and then repeat that process indefinitely.”

On a Sunday afternoon in Astoria, several visitors were seen eating three scoops of ice cream in 54-degree weather and staring blankly at the ocean, presumably delaying the inevitable bumper-to-bumper drive home. Another family was wondering if they could carry two large bags of taffy each and a toddler, or if the toddler should stay.